all hope abandon, ye who do not pay attention to thine cell phone plan...

It's such a wicked thing, that little box attached to our beltloops. It keeps us tied into everyone's business and everyone tied into ours and we love it. Don't we? We love to hate it and to talk about it and compare it to our friends' and we can't do a goddamn thing without it. Can we?

"Hey, give me your cell phone, I'll chat at ya."
"I don't have one."
"What? Your kidding right?"
"No. And fuck you for judging."

People get mad if we use them; we are rude and socially unconscious. And yet, they turn around and are mad because they cannot reach us whenever it's convenient for them.

As if the phone wasn't bad enough, we have the bill to contend with each and every month. A 400 page waste of a tree telling us how many minutes and half-minutes and 1/3 minutes we used in the last 30 days. It gives us a detailed reminder of just how many people we know and how often we keep in touch with them. "Good lord, when did I call them?" And God forbid you ever go over your plan minutes! The Phone Militia will break down your door, kidnap your pets, sell your children and call you names just for having used 351 minutes and your plan only has 350 minutes included. Oh, the horror! That will be $300 for that minute. Joy and have a nice day!

Really there is a lesson to be learned from all of this. When you get the opportunity to upgrade that plan to include mobile to mobile minutes which you never really had all along, do it. Because when your spouse, whom you love entirely more than anyone should really be able, becomes unemployed and you have so much more free time during the DAYTIME portion of your plan you might as well bend over and grab the ankles. This is gonna hurt. :( :( :(