a state like no other...

Over at Dooce, Heather wrote a piece describing the ramblings of an unknown guy doing his best to distill the world's supply of grain alcohol through his selfless liver on Jon's cell phone. It reminded me of my own morally deficient adventures in brewery land. I got drunk for the first time when I was 18 years old. I was living in an apartment with 3 other people, dropped out of college and working in fast food. Regular winner was I. We had the great idea to have a party, just a small one, with a few people. Around 20. I think. It may have been less because at some point I'm sure I was seeing double. My friends knowing I was a novice with alcohol, decided to play what they called Circle of Death. What it should have been called was get you shit-faced drunk until you pass out in the parking lot flat out on your back. I had enough Crown Royal to pickle Ted Kennedy. (That's a lot, by the way.) During the course of the evening's escapades, I became hysterically tickled by the bottles of spices on the back of the stove; they kept changing places on me. That was the funniest thing I had ever lain eyes on and let everyone know that I thought they should share in the experience with me by yelling Spices! and laughing my stupid drunk head off for five full minutes before someone finally got me calmed down enough to tell them through several giggling fits what the hell I was talking about. When I was finally ready to die, I figured I could either crawl under the sofa or make my way to the second floor bedroom. OF COURSE I chose the stairs. What kind of alcoholic-in-training would I be if I wussed out now? I began my ascent and made the first riser when it dawned on me I should be moving instead of the stairs. For the next twenty steps I was on all fours with my girlfriend behind me to make sure I didn't break my neck. Again. Winner. I didn't roll down the stairs, but my bed tried to throw me through the wall several times. It was a hateful and evil sort of bed and in need of a good exorcism. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

I survived the night, but went into a repentant state of sobriety for almost 5 years afterward.

Then I discovered rum and cokes.